


Two and a Half Men

by NovelistServant



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: A little bit of angst, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25778221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovelistServant/pseuds/NovelistServant
Summary: Shermie leaves his son with his twin brothers, fully trusting them to take good care of the baby for an afternoon. What a terrible mistake.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	Two and a Half Men

It was Spring Break, a glorious and yet hectic time in Glass Shard Beach. No one wanted to go to that trashy shoreline for a vacation when compared to the nicer beaches along the Atlantic, but lower-middle class families and broke college students settled and still had a good time for a cheaper price. The weather cooperated perfectly and Ford had worked so hard on his Science Fair project that he could afford to take a break while they were out of school, so today he and Stan were babysitting.

Shermie counted off the list of things for his brothers to remember while Stan held the baby. “Now remember, he needs to take a nap after he eats or he’ll be fussy later, he likes cereal the best and he can snack on that if he wants, but he needs to eat his peas or carrots for lunch, or a little bit of both. Also make sure he drinks his milk and for Moses’ sake, if he makes a mess, please wash him! Now, whatever you do, don’t lose Ottie! Last time we lost him Alex screamed for hours on end, I had to get a new one, so just keep an eye on him, and…”

“Shermie, can you relax? Geez.” Stan rolled his eyes, bouncing his nephew. “We’ve got this. We can handle the little guy for the day.”

“I know you can, I just want to make it as easy for you as possible.” Shermie shrugged off the baby bag and held it out to Ford. He took it and immediately sunk to the floor with it.

“Sweet Lord, Sherman, what did you put in here?” Ford groaned as he hoisted the bag on his shoulder. “Rocks?”

“Everything Alex needs.” Shermie answered and patted the full-stroller that was by the door. “Clothes, diapers, wipes, breast milk, formula, bottles, blankets, toys, Ottie, sunglasses…”

“Why in the world would he need sunglasses?”

“For his eyes, Stanford!” Shermie defended.

“Great, this is perfect, we’ll be fine!” Stan said cheerfully and grinned like a salesman.

Shermie checked his pocket watch and winced. “Shoot, gotta go! I’ll be back later tonight to pick him up.” Shermie bent his knees and little and tickled under Alex’s chin and cooed, making the baby laugh and grab his finger. “Alright, Lil’Lex, love you, sport.” And Shermie kissed his tiny hand and headed to the door. “Oh, and guys,” His eyes darkened and the twins felt shivers go down their spines. “If anything happens to my son, I will never forgive or trust you again… Bye, have fun!” And Shermie was gone.

Stan sighed with relief. “Finally! Now that Stuck-Up’s gone, the real fun begins!” He lifted his nephew above his head and asked in a wittle-baby voice, “Who’s ready to be the best chick-magnet in the world? You are, yes you are, you little stud!”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” Ford said cautiously as Stan put the baby on his hip and bounced him as he was getting a little bit fussy.

“Hey, you’re the one who admitted to needing help with girls.” Stan said and reached into the stroller for the stuffed otter. He gave it to Alex, who cheered up and hugged the toy, and then said, “Trust me, girls love babies! They’ll see us taking good care of little guy here and bam! You have your pockets full of phone numbers! Now go put on your trunks!”

Ford was uneasy about taking Alex out to the beach and trying to talk to girls, but he ultimately decided that it would be fun to take their nephew out and let him play (and it might help to find a new girl for Stan since Carla dumped him), so he did as he was told and changed and then watched Alex while Stan changed.

About an hour later, Stan was holding Alex by his hip with a towel over his opposite shoulder and Ford walked next to him with that torturous baby-bag. The stroller had no chance in the sand, so they left it home and decided that if the beach didn’t work a walk around the park certainly would. Stan happily strode around topless in his red swimming trunks while Ford wore a white t-shirt with his blue trunks. Alex wore a white t-shirt, too, as well as little baby-trunks with ducks on it, and he threw down his little green sunglasses every time Ford put them on him.

Stan laughed and said, “Squirt’s got good taste already.”

Ford sighed and pocketed the sunglasses in the bag, hoping the baby wouldn’t become blind and Shermie wouldn’t be mad. “Are you sure this is a good idea, Stanley? What if he gets into some glass, or goes into the water, or is stepped on…”

“Sixer, you’re somehow worse than Sherm.” Stan lightly punched his shoulder. “Relax, we all deserve to have some fun. Alex doesn’t live by the beach; he won’t get to grow up like we did, playin’ here every day. Let him enjoy it with the best uncles in the world.” He threw the towel down on the sand and sat Alex down while making rocket-ship noises.

Ford smiled and said, “Alright, but he really should put on sunscreen.” And he pulled out a bottle and lathered up Alex’s soft skin. The baby giggled and blew raspberries while Ford rubbed his arms and legs and face. The six-fingered teenager used his birth-defect for great evil and tickled the ribs and little baby-fat as he applied the sunscreen and smiled at the beautiful laughter his nephew made.

Stan smiled at his brother, glad to see him coming around a little bit more when it came to kids, and he ruffled the little brown fluff on Alex’s head for being a good sport; he can remember throwing a fit at the idea of sunscreen when he was a toddler, meanwhile Ford would hold his breath and pray the chore would be done quickly.

“Aw, how cute.” A girl in a light-purple bathing suit suddenly cooed as her long brown hair fell by her shoulder when she bent down to get a better look at the baby. “What’s his name?”

Ford could feel his face getting very hot, despite the admirer standing in front of the sun. “This is our nephew, Alex.”

“Aw, you two are great uncles.” She complimented sincerely and wiggled her fingers at the baby in greeting. She glanced up, saw her boyfriend waving at her, and she told the three boys to have a good day as she jogged across the beach.

Stan gave out a low whistle. “Hot tamales, this kid’s gonna score us with some gorgeous babes.”

“Stanley,” Ford chuckled as he shook his head and he reached into the baby-bag for his book, but Stan snatched it from his hands. “Hey!”

“Nu huh, Sixer. No nerd stuff.” Stan put the book back in the bag and laid down on his back to soak in some sun. He shielded his eyes with a pair of sunglasses and said, “If you’re so bored play with Alex. Ooph!” Alex had climbed up on Stan’s chest and sat right on his ribs, not that the six-month-old was very heavy. Stan lifted his sunglasses to his forehead and smiled at the baby. “C’mon, squirt, I’m tryin’ to get a good tan here.”

“No, Stan, no naps.” Ford mimicked his brother from earlier and stood up. “Why not let him try the sea and splash in some water?”

“Good idea.” Stan picked up Alex and left their stuff on the towel and walked to the shoreline.

Alex looked down at the waves that gently crashed on the shore. They rolled close to the sand and splashed peacefully. Stan helped Alex stand by holding him by his hands and Ford sat on his knees just where the water touched the sand at max. The baby awed at the splashing water and wiggled with chills when the water touched his little feet, but then laughed with delight over the new experience.

Stan then sat Alex down next to Ford to sit and he wiggled his arms up and down as he squealed with joy. Here, the sand was squishy and fun to grab and the water was going away and coming back, like magic. Stan laughed as Alex shoved a fistful of sand into his mouth and Ford scrambled to help the little guy spit it out. Alex didn’t cry, merely confused as to why something so pretty tasted so bad, but the uncles were too distracted by Alex’s sand-eating that they didn’t notice a bigger wave coming. It wasn’t dangerous, but it did splash Alex on the face and spooked him and made him fall backward and cry over being overwhelmed.

“Oh no, oh no,” Ford cooed and picked Alex up as he stood up. “Perhaps snack time would be more efficient with real food and away from the sea water.”

“I think Shermie packed some peas and carrots to give him.” Stan said as they went back to the towel. He rummaged a bit and found two containers of food, a baggie of cereal, and a small spoon. Ford sat Alex in his lap so he could use his uncle as a highchair and Stan opened the mushed-up peas. “Alright, lunchtime squirt, open up.”

Alex, however, turned away at the spoon filled with food and put his lip out. “Oh, what, you’re too good for my peas?” Stan asked and tried again, but Alex dodged the spoon and scowled. “Oh, come on, ‘Lex. Work with me.”

“Maybe a snack or milk first?” Ford suggested.

“Nah, he’s just being picky.” Stan reasoned. “Look, Alex, Uncle Stan loves ‘em, look.” He put the spoon into his mouth and thought he might vomit. His face turned as green as the mashed-up peas and he spat the disgusting food back into the container. “Who in God’s name would feed that to babies?!” He yelled in horror and hurled the food into the sea.

“Stanley!” Ford scolded, trying not to laugh but he was snickering all the while.

“That was awful!” Stan shouted and coughed and gagged. “No way I’m feeding that to my nephew.”

Ford sighed with a smile on his face and said down to the baby, “Good rule, always make Uncle Stan test it first.”

“Whatever, he can have his cereal instead.” Stan plunged a hand back into the bag and pulled out a bottle of milk. “Here, kid, something to wash down the sand with.”

Alex happily accepted the bottle and even held it himself. His uncles smiled, and one of them finally noticed the giggling happening a few feet away. Stan saw four cute girls sitting at a picnic awhile away, probably in college. They were giggling at them and awing at the baby. Stan smiled and tossed them a wink. The girls giggled again and stood. “And now to reap from the benefits of babysitting, Sixer.” Stan whispered. “Keep it cool.”

“What?” And Ford finally noticed the four girls.

One with flaming red hair and a yellow bathing suit sat on her knees next to Ford and cooed, “Aw, how adorable! He’s very cute.”

“Um, thank you.” Ford said, his face turning red. “I would have also accepted ‘handsome’ and ‘extremely cute’.”

Stan stared at amazement that his brother came up with that on his own and grinned proudly. The girls laughed with him, a lovely change from at him, and the girl with tanned skin and black hair said, “Oh my gosh, you’re so funny! Is he a cousin or something?”

“Our nephew, Alex.” Ford informed the girls as the one with tanned skin sat with her knees by her chest in front of the baby for a good look at him.

“Wow, you two are so good with him.” A blonde girl with blue eyes sighed admirably and smiled at Stan.

“Yup, he’s our little buddy.” Stan said smugly. “Just making sure he has a good time.”

“Aw, well you guys have fun!” And the blonde girls squeezed Stan’s shoulder and the red-head waved at Ford with a cute wink as they resumed their picnic.

“That was the longest a girl didn’t talk to me out of pity.” Ford said breathlessly.

“We should totally take him to the park and catch more babes there.” Stan advised as he took Alex’s bottle to make sure he didn’t drink too much at once.

“Or we could just take him just to spend some quality time with our nephew.”

“Yeah, that too I guess.”

Ford snorted with laughter and noticed Alex’s yawn. Apparently the excitement of a new place and the soothing crashing of the waves, mixed with the warm sun, was making him sleepy. Ford laid Alex down on the towel on his belly, Stan gave him Ottie the otter, and Alex soon fell asleep. Ford opened his book to read while Stan laid and sunbathed for a bit.

A few minutes passed and Stan rolled on his front to tan his back. While on his front, Stan rubbed Alex’s back and kinda got lost in thought over his nephew, the warm sun making his brain melt into mush and all seemed too right in the world to care. Ford was invested in his book, enjoying the story about stupid jewelry or whatever, but then Stan’s eyes looked past his twin and saw some very pretty girl in a bikini, lying on a blanket with a magazine and a nice sunhat on, her freckled body covered by a black bathing suit and her eyes right at him. Her lips were naturally red and lush, biting her bottom lip as she gave Stan this look that made him a sucker. She waved at him and Stan grinned excitedly and hurried to go talk to the pretty woman.

A few moments after Stan left, Alex woke up. He blinked his tired eyes and looked around. His brown eyes landed on a seagull and he smiled at the birdie. Alex grabbed Ottie by one of his little paws and slowly crawled off the towel. He started to get the hang of the new trick and crawled faster towards the birdie, but it soon flew away and went back down farther away from the ocean and closer to the town. Alex followed it as he giggled and he was off.

Stan soon walked back to the blanket with a phone number in his hand and he twindled it between his fingers. He smiled down at the towel to tell Ford the good news, but his blood ran cold. “Sixer?”

“Hm?”

“Where’s Alex?”

“He’s right…” Ford put his hand down right where he believed Alex to be sleeping, but he touched nothing but towel. His heart skipped a beat and he snapped his book closed and scurried around the towel, even lifting it off the sand in case the baby was somehow under it. “Alex? Alex?!”

“What did you do?!” Stan yelled.

“You _left_ us?!”

“You were with him!”

“You couldn’t tell m- This won’t help us find him!” Ford shook his head and tried to control his mounting anxiety. “He couldn’t have gotten far… I didn’t even know he was crawling yet!”

“Aw, man. His first crawl and we missed it?”

“STANLEY!”

“Right, right!” Stan looked around and gasped with horror. “What if he went into the water?! I’M COMIN’, ALEX! UNCLE STAN’S COMIN’!” He ran into the water and looked around, even diving into the deeper parts and checking where the tide was drifting in a different direction.

Ford was shaking, but he then looked down at the sand and noticed small hand prints and a disturbance in the sand. He sighed with relief that Alex hadn’t drowned and ran up to his twin, who was now waist-deep in salt-water and panicking. “ALEX! ALEX!”

“Stanley, there’s a trail we can follow! I think Alex went into town!” Ford called from the shoreline and Stan splashed to him and ran back to the towel with him, gathered their stuff, and ran off of the sand.

The terrified young men looked around on the sidewalk, but saw no sign of their baby nephew. “Okay, if we were Alex, where would we go?” Stan huffed.

Ford held his chin and tried to think through his fear. “Babies are generally attracted to colors and sounds… perhaps something caught his eye and curiosity got the best of him…”

“There!” Stan bolted down the sidewalk and Ford followed him with the baby-bag on his shoulder. On the corner and lying helplessly was the stuffed otter. Stan picked it up with trembling hands. “Okay… now all we need is a dog! To track Alex!”

“Stanley, be serious!”

“I am, Stanford!” Stan snapped back at him. “If anything happens to that kid I’m gonna kill everyone in this stupid town and then myself! I can’t lose Alex!”

“We won’t, we’ll find him.” Ford said, his voice quivering with fear. “How many mysteries have we solved together? How many missing objects and people have we found? We just have to put our heads together and think of a plan. Again, he has only learned to crawl today. He couldn’t have gotten far. Let’s go down this road and keep searching.”

* * *

Thistle strung his ukulele beautifully, picking notes and finding his tune. Just as he thought he had one, his girlfriend jumped in and sang along. _“I don’t need gold, I don’t need silver, I just need you here. I don’t need fame, I don’t need glory, I just need you near. All of my ambitions have gone away, for I’m complete with you.”_ Carla sang as a soft breeze flew by her long brown hair.

Thistle smiled as they both sat on the front steps of Carla’s townhouse in a small neighborhood by the beach. “Not bad, not bad. Pure poetry, my flower.”

Carla blushed and shrugged. She listened to Thistle playing solo for a bit, the soft instrument filling the air, and her mood was improved to hear a baby’s giggling. She opened her eyes and looked around, expecting a stroller with passerby, but a lone baby sitting on the sidewalk. Carla gasped and hurried over to the baby, on one knee and looking around for anyone who might be with the little guy.

“Hello? Anyone?” Carla called and then scooped up the baby. “Oh, you poor little thing. C’mere, I know.” She cooed and held him by her shoulder and rubbed his back. The baby seemed okay and unafraid. Whoever was looking after him must be close by. Carla carried the baby back to the step and Thistle looked at the little human with sympathy.

“Aw, you think he was abandoned?”

“No, he’s wearing a bathing suit, see? I think some tourists were distracted and this rascal left his parents, didn’t you?” She cooed and tickled the baby’s ribs. The baby laughed and Carla got a good look at the baby. Something… seemed familiar to her. Maybe it was because she wasn’t around a lot of babies, but this baby reminded her a lot of her ex’s newborn nephew. “Wait a minute…”

Carla had only met Alex one time. The day he came home, Stan called her and caught her up on everything. He was kinda cute, all excited and a big lug around the little baby, and he invited her over a few days later and she got to hold Alex. He was amazing and Carla missed him, almost as much as she missed Stan.

“I know you, don’t I?” Carla asked, bewildered, but the more she looked at the baby, the more familiar he looked. “Alex?” He only grinned and grabbed her hair to play with it. Carla gave in, wincing a little but she smiled and hugged the baby. “I’ve missed you, too.”

“You know him?” Thistle asked suspiciously.

“Yeah, he’s Stan’s nephew.”

“Oh.” Thistle said darkly and his face hardened. “Trust that idiot to lose a kid.”

“Oh, c’mon, that’s not fair.” Carla scolded lightly. “If this little guy is anything like the rest of his family he’s impossible to keep track of.” And she tickled Alex’s ribs, making him laugh. “I’m sure he’ll be around in no time. He’s probably tearing up the whole town for him.”

Thistle only rolled her eyes and strung a few cords.

* * *

Stan and Ford walked into a toy store, in case Alex somehow crawled into it for the brightly colored toys in the window. With no luck in finding him there, they went down the road and called his name cautiously; they wanted the baby to hear them but not any adults who might catch on what had happened. Alex was a smart kid and seemed to know his name by now, so if he heard them he might crawl to them, right?

They entered the bakery and found it empty apart from a sleeping teenager at the counter. They even checked behind alleys and underneath parked cars. The more locations they tried and failed at, the higher their nerves got. At one point, Ford even puked into a neighborhood trash can (but that may have also been due to the pile of rotting fish outside the hatchery) and Stan was losing his mind, every sound making his heart pick up speed and his rain making him think it might be Alex or something about to take Alex.

A few minutes into their search and they had wandered away from the shops and stores to an area filled with apartments and townhouses. Stan was too distracted to notice this was Carla’s neighborhood, calling his nephew’s name and praying something positive would happen. At long last, they turned a corner where music was playing, vaguely guessing Alex was attracted to the sounds, and they saw Alex in Carla’s lap as she sang along to her new boyfriend’s music. But Stan didn’t give a rat’s ass about any of that; Alex was safe.

“ALEX!” The twins screamed and ran to him.

Carla smiled and held up the baby. Alex was wiggling and giggling, his chubby arms outstretched for his uncles and happy to see them again. Stan scooped him up and held him tightly and close to his heart, rubbing his back and trying to control himself, but composure be damned. His kid was safe. “Alex! Thank Moses, you’re okay! Don’t you ever scare me like that again, squirt!”

Ford rubbed the baby’s back as he clanged onto Stan’s chest and giggled at the extra affection. “Alexander Jackson Pines, I’m so sorry. I should have watched you more closely. I can’t believe I put something as meaningless as knowledge before my own nephew.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Poindexter, that’s what I get for…” Stan stopped to find a pair of eyes on him. The entire time, Carla was smiling at the two teenagers and the baby. Ford followed Stan’s eyes and narrowed them at Carla, meanwhile Stan just stared, not a trace of anger on his face. “Um… hey.”

“Hey,” Carla said softly and stood on the sidewalk with her arms crossed over her chest loosely. “Glad you found him.”

“Yeah, and thanks for watching him.” Stan said as he looked at Alex instead and his smile returned.

“Great, you got him back,” Thistle said coldly and stood by the door. “C’mon, baby, let’s have lunch.”

“You know what,” Carla said firmly and gave her boyfriend a hard look. “Why don’t you go ahead inside? I’ll be right there.”

Thistle growled in his throat and went inside. Stan didn’t know how to feel about things being cold between his ex and her new boyfriend. The little green monster in his gut known as Envy was purring with satisfaction, but he wasn’t so sure if he would ever take her back. Okay, maybe he would give it a chance, but he couldn’t imagine it lasting long. Not after Carla’s true colors were shone.

Carla turned back to the Pines and kept her eyes on Stan. “Hey, I… I actually wanted to talk to you for awhile.”

“Oh yeah?” His voice was calm. It was just too easy to growl or snap or yell at her. Too easy to go through with it. With Ford next to him and Alex in his arms, he didn’t feel like letting Carla have it; he just wanted to go home and take a nap.

“Yeah, I… I’m sorry.” Carla said. “I’m sorry for how I left things. I’ll admit it, I shouldn’t have just dumped you out of the blue like that, and I’m sorry. If I could I totally would’ve done things differently.”

“Okay, but what exactly are you sorry for?” Stan asked as he raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you sorry you dumped me the way you did, or are you sorry you left me for the hippy?”

Carla narrowed her eyes at him. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, Stan, but I’m not sorry we broke up. I think it’s better this way.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t need someone in my life who doesn’t know what’s most important. I dunno why I didn’t see it before; we’re both free spirits, Hotpants, but at least I think of the people I care about first.”

“Oh, don’t hold yourself all high and mighty!” Carla snapped. “You’re the one who lost a toddler, Stan, not me! And you’re the one who always says ‘if you want something, get it’. I’m sorry that it hurt your feelings, but I’m not sorry that I wanted a better person and I’m not sorry that I left you at all.”

“Well, that’s fine by me!” Stan retaliated. “For what it’s worth, I’ll never be sorry I drove hippy-boy’s van into a ravine, but I’ll always be sorry I ever went out with you in the first place!” And he turned around and walked away with Alex in his arms.

Ford and Carla looked at each other. Ford opened and closed his mouth a few times like a fish. Carla raised an eyebrow at him mockingly, but then Ford settled on flipping her off with his two-middle fingers and walking away, leaving her red-faced and alone.

When Ford caught up to his family, he found Stan holding Alex by his shoulder and rubbing circles into his back. Alex hugged him back, smiling and looking up at his uncle with round eyes. Stan, however, looked like he was doing some deep thinking. “Are you okay?” Ford asked gently.

“Yeah, Sixer, m’fine.” Stan said casually. “We’ve got Alex back, he’s safe, let’s just get home.”

“Yes, I am grateful to find him safe and sound, but… is there anything you want to talk about?”

“To be frank, no. I said everything I needed to say.”

Ford smiled and patted his back. “Alright, Knucklehead, whatever you say.”

* * *

Shermie let himself into the flat above Pines’ Pawns around six o’clock. “Hello? Stan? Ford? Anyone home?” He wandered down the hall and thought he heard snoring as he approached the living room.

He peered down at the couch and smiled. Stan was sprawled out over the couch, lying on his back with the baby curled up on his chest and holding onto Stan’s black t-shirt. Sitting on the floor and against the couch was Ford, with a book on his lap and his head back as he slept; apparently he had been reading to them until they all fell asleep.

Shermie guessed he could leave them all to sleep a little while longer and so he picked up Pa’s newspaper and read it at the kitchen table.

**Author's Note:**

> Was part of a bigger fic but that fic is cancelled.


End file.
